Suicide and Prison: A Common Sense Correlation

When I started my job in the prison system I felt as if I had finally achieved my dream. In essence, I did. That was what I thought would be where I someday wrapped up my career. Sometimes a dream takes you in directions that you never expected. I am spiritual and involved in the metaphysical arts. Right before I started as a mental health professional in a maximum security prison, I went to have a psychic reading. What he said has stayed with me and certainly proved true. "You are going to learn and see things you never even considered." I thought I was starting my dream job, so I took these words and turned them into feelings of excitement. Looking back, I do not think that was what he was trying to tell me. Now, I look at it as a warning.

I saw things, knew things, and experienced things that will haunt me and intrude my thinking for the rest of my life. I will start by saying with the exception of one single incident, every offender was kind to me. That is not an exaggeration. Those men were so thankful that someone was listening to them that they didn't want to mess up the opportunity for their15 minutes of attention. You read that correctly. I was allowed 15 minutes a month with each person on my case load for therapy. There is not a lot that a therapist can do in 15 minutes, except determine if the offender is at risk. There were times where I was fortunate enough to see them more than once a month, but that was often when the offender was at a high risk of harm to himself or others. 

The conditions in prison were far worse than I ever imagined. The smell was overwhelming. The size of a cell for two men is equivalent to a parking space. This includes metal bunk beds, a toilet and sink. For one person to walk in the cell the other has to get into their bunk. Temperatures often topped 100 degrees inside cells and offenders diagnosed with COVID-19 remained in these conditions while they were ill. Sanitation was abysmal and offenders were denied the most basic medical treatment. When they were fortunate enough to see a medical provider they were often met with criticism and insult. I heard many appointments conducted in the room next to me and the things that were said to those men would make anyone feel hopeless. 

In respect to privacy, there is none. I went toe-to-toe with numerous prison employees asking them to shut the door to my treatment room when they refused to leave the doorway. These offenders were chained to the floor and the doors were made of clear plexiglass. Staff was able to see what was going on without having to take that stance. It was an intimidation move and a warning to the offenders watch what they said. Offenders are allowed confidentiality by law. When I refused to provide services when this would happen I was met with retaliation, bullying, and harassment. I took an ethical obligation to uphold these standards and continued to try to do my job. This was a common struggle for many counselors. 

Again, the men in prison were desperate for any type of care. Desperate doesn't even begin to cover the need. Many who were brave enough to ask for help were then harassed by staff and other inmates for being on the mental health case load. I began to hear things that deeply disturbed me. I heard staff daring suicidal inmates to kill themselves. I was told more than once by an offender that when they had felt suicidal and asked for a crisis team they were beat up or had food withheld from them.  There are cameras in the cell houses, however they are conveniently placed. Men receive their meals in a styrofoam container and often they are given an empty box in an effort to trick the cameras. I had men taken to crisis cells, which are supposed to be safe, after reporting that they were suicidal only to find a knife on their bed when they arrived. Men who threatened to overdose would magically be found with enough pills in their cells to do the job. It was encouraged. Plain and simple. 

The racism is blatant and common. Racial slurs are used as common language. There is an assumption that anyone that comes to work there is also racist and it is okay to be outspoken with that antiquated type of thinking. If you challenge it you are again harassed and retaliated against. This graph explains the racial disparity inside the state prison system.

As COVID-19 began to appear in our country things became even worse. Visits from friends and family are beyond important to an offender. They lost this privilege when the Governor stopped these visits. I understand why and it needed to happen, but it was hard on the offenders. As things got worse and the virus began to spread, there were cell houses placed on quarantine. Which that in itself is a joke. There are large industrial fans blowing dirty, contaminated air throughout a cell house containing hundreds of men. When we began to fall behind in seeing the offenders we were asked to do rounds through these cell houses and see them at the front of their cells. It was not private, it was not helpful, and due to this, many issues were left undiscovered. The men cannot share their concerns publicly due to gang retaliation, or staff retaliation. As an example of what can happen, one of my patients had his finger bitten off by his cell mate and he knew it was going to happen, but he could not tell me because the cell mate threatening him was there during my visit. This is an elderly man who is serving a short sentence for running drugs to pay for his daughter's college tuition. 

After being asked to see offenders who had been exposed to COVID-19 I was done. I had a note from my doctor stating I was at high-risk due to asthma and an autoimmune disorder, but was told I had to see them or lose my job. I chose to leave. When I left I dealt with the guilt of leaving the offenders that were on my caseload. That was the hardest part for me. I had never had a job that I enjoyed more than working with those men. However, that was not the entire job. It also included all that I have spoken about above, and I knew that I had to protect my own physical and mental health.

I struggled with this and there has not been one day that has gone by that I haven't thought about them. So, Saturday night when I received a call that one of them had committed suicide I was shattered. This man once said that myself and two other mental health professionals were the only ones there that cared about him. Weeks ago he said that he would take his life to draw attention to the abuse that is happening there. He proceeded through treatment and eventually vowed to keep himself safe. However, someone gave him enough pills for him to change his mind. He was not serving a life sentence. He would have gone home in less than a year.

I have never lost a patient to suicide. My Mom was visiting from out of town and I went and crawled in bed with her and I sobbed. It was that sob where you can't catch your breath and the shaking in your body makes you nauseous. Eventually, my Mom and I went and sat in the rocking chairs on my porch as I continued to cry. She did exactly what I needed her to do. She asked me what I was going to do to fight. "Who are you going to write to in the government? What organizations can we reach out to? Who with a voice is ready to hear this story?" I told her that I am not going to be silent. I can't. This is too much.   

I am having to come to terms with severe guilt and that my biggest fear in fact came true. It is a feeling that I have not felt. I can cry at the drop of a hat and the fog I'm in is thick. What could I have said differently? If I would have stayed would I have seen the signs? I am going to "what if" myself for a long time to come and that's just the way it is. It is going to be a process. I feel obligated to check in on the other counselors because I am worried about them and I know that we are the only ones who know exactly how this feels. I am worried about them and they are worried about me. 

I know there will people who read this that say, "Well, they shouldn't have gone to prison." If you haven't been there, you don't get it. There are far more innocent people there than you would ever imagine. There are people who made a bad decision in a split second that cost them their freedom.  There are people's children there who robbed a store to buy food for their siblings. THERE. ARE. PEOPLE. THERE. 

There are also people there who never need to get out. I am fully aware of and accept that as well. I am not wearing rose-colored glasses. However, that still does not justify torture and inhumanity that threatens a person's basic needs. The staff is not the judge and jury, but somehow those roles were blurred generations ago and it continues. 

These conditions are not humane. They are torture and that is not an overuse of the term. The conditions inside represent medieval mentality. They were sentenced to lose their freedom, not be abused. 

I am fully aware that I am taking a risk by even posting this. I am ready to endure that. I refuse to be a part of the sick organization that covers this up and keeps silent. When I left the prison, my Mom said this will give you the time that you want to advocate for the organizations you care about, on your terms. This is on my terms. I am ready to beat down the door of anyone that will give me two minutes of their time. I don't want to lay down one more night with the thoughts of what is happening inside the prison system. The nightmares and times where my stomach drops into my shoes with a memory of something that happened there can only be defeated by changing it. 

If anyone has any resources they can share with me, please reach out to me at scarlettmeyer84@gmail.com. I will be starting a letter writing campaign in the coming days and if you would like to help me, please reach out to me by email as well.